Dare to ask Dare
Ex-pats and Russians alike ask celebrity columnist Deidre Dare questions about life in Moscow.
Photo by Maria Savelieva
Dear Deidre:
I have been married for fifteen years and have always been faithful to my wife. But she hasn’t made love to me in over five years now and I am seriously considering having at least a one-night stand with one of the lovely Russian girls in my office (who seems to like me). I know the guilt would be horrible, but I don’t want to miss this chance. What would you advise?
Dear Faithful:
Go for it.
I’ve never understood these wives’ outraged shock when, after not sleeping with their husbands for years, they find out about an affair. Never. I mean, Madam, what did you think was going to happen?
More and more it seems to me that marriage has become nothing but a commitment to frustrated celibacy, especially for men.
I believe that everyone needs to be fulfilled in the bedroom just as much as everyone needs food. If you were in a house where the owner refused to feed you and you were on the brink of starving to death, would you feel guilty about running out to the Starlite Diner for an omelette? I wouldn’t. And neither should you.
Did you know that I’m actually an ordained minister? So keep that in mind when I tell you:
Go forth and nourish thyself, Faithful. I absolve you of all guilt.
xxooRev.DD
Dear Deidre:
I work for a Western company here in Moscow. I made a deal with God that if I got a promotion, I’d go to the gym every day. I got the promotion and am now in a management position, but haven’t joined a gym. If I never workout, will God take the promotion back?
Dear Unfaithful:
In the past few months, I’ve made about ten of these kinds of deals with God. I have yet to fulfil my end of any of the bargains God and I made. (One that immediately springs to mind is our deal that if something I was anxiously waiting for came in the mail that day, I would abstain from alcohol one day a week.)
Not being able to write to myself for advice, I, as troubled as you are, recently asked my friend Joe if he kept his promises to the Deity
“Does anybody?!” Joe asked me, shocked at the suggestion that someone actually might.
So it appears that God just makes a lot of bad deals. But I don’t think He can blame us for his own lack of business acumen and our superior negotiating skills.
Go forth and manage thy staff, Unfaithful. I absolve you of all guilt.
xxooRev.DD
Dear Deidre:
I am an American woman and am dating a Russian guy. As you can probably guess, he’s incredibly jealous and possessive. It would be an understatement to say it’s a bad relationship, but I can’t seem to break it off. I keep going back for more, convinced things are going to get better. What’s wrong with me?
Dear Perseverer:
Having been there many a time myself, I can easily diagnose what ails you. You have a touch of Stockholm Syndrome.
Lately I’ve been feeling that there might be just a little too much Patty Hearst in myself, and I guess the same is true of you.
Go forth, arm thyself with an M1 carbine and rob a bank, Perseverer. I absolve you of all guilt.
xxooRev.DD
Dear Deidre:
I am a Russian and, believe me or not, I am trying to quit smoking. I have tried before but made the accident of sharing a cigarette with a friend which I now know not to do. I know you’re a smoker. Have you ever tried to quit? And if yes, do you have any tips for me?
Dear Quitter:
I live by two policies that quitting smoking would violate and, therefore, I will smoke until the day I die.
Firstly, I make it a policy to never give up anything. According to my way of thinking, only fools and cowards “give up.”
And secondly, I make it a policy to never, ever learn from my mistakes. According to my way of thinking, only puppies and extremely unimaginative people learn that way.
Go forth and enjoy thine cigarettes, Quitter. I absolve you of all guilt.
xxooRev.DD
Dear Deidre:
Now that the price of oil is high again, I feel very calm again about Russian economy. Do most Westerners feel same way?
Dear Serene:
I feel really terrible about this, but I can’t answer this question because I have absolutely no bloody idea.
Go forth and ask thine Western acquaintances, Serene. I absolve myself of all guilt.
xxooRev.DD
Dear Deidre:
This was my first winter in Moscow and I am really looking forward to spring. When will it be warm enough to ditch our coats?
Dear Anxious:
You confuse me. Isn’t it already warm enough?
I suppose you’re still too new to town to know that once the thermometer hits -10, it’s spring.
Go forth and ditch thy coat, Anxious. I absolve you of your naiveté.
xxooRev.DD
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