Dare to ask Dare
Photo by Maria Savelieva
Ex-pats and Russians alike ask celebrity columnist Deidre Dare questions about life in Moscow.
We are recent expats here. Last week a woman who works with my husband told him that one can identify the Russian call-girls by the fact that they wear over-the-knee boots. Since then, he has been conducting a survey of women’s boots, and has in fact seen a couple of women wearing these kinds of boots. He hesitates to ask the women in question as he does not want to offend a lady (in case the information is wrong). He doesn’t THINK the co-worker was having a joke at his expense, but we are curious. So is it true? Inquiring minds want to know!
Almost every Westerner who comes to Moscow is expecting a wild life – so it’s nothing to be ashamed of, sweetie. You don’t need to be coy with me.
So I will let you in on a little secret: You don’t have to hire a hooker to have a threesome in Moscow. Many Russian chicks would be happy to oblige! And, I imagine, some quite desperate Western chicks as well.
You are my favourite writer in skirt! Would you please write something about Russia’s fall? It’s sweet like big puffs of grass. All Russians – from criminals to police officers – smoke this these months. I wonder what you would say on the matter?:))))))
Dear Autumnal Dead Head:
These months? I honestly think that in any calendar year, we have approximately 15 days that are “smokeable.” But I will grant you, 10 of those are in the fall. The rest are around Victory Day (when, wisely, the Government takes matters into its own hands). I’ll also guarantee you that by the time you read this answer, the weather will be once again pure sh*t. :(((((((
What do you think of this whole iceskater business?
Dear Woodward Wanna-be:
The same thing I think about that kind of business as it relates to Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer or South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford: nothing. Why we have a desire to imagine, speculate on or know about our leaders’ sex lives is a mystery to me.
And not one of the guys I’ve listed could even begin to compete with the bacchanal lust of JFK. The press left him alone and that’s how I think it should be handled nowadays as well.
My personal theory is that due to a dearth in their own sex lives, the public is compelled by jealousy to assume an appalled sanctimonious approach to anyone who might possibly be having a better time than they are.
I suggest, Mr. Woodward, that you go out and find your own mistress and leave everyone else alone. Which, by the way, shouldn’t be too difficult here.
My ex-girlfriend is stalking me – what can I do?!
Dear Privacy Challenged:
I once had so many stalkers that they were practically bumping into each other on Novinsky. And when I walked over to World Fitness, it felt like I was a master of ceremonies leading a parade.
You have to do what I did: you have to enact Counter Measures. These are measures that will either have the effect of scaring or repulsing the Stalker.
Counter Measures include, but are not limited to, pretending to date someone of your own sex, pretending to date someone in the Police, pretending to date someone in the Government, pretending to date someone in the Mafia or pretending to date someone from New Jersey.
I’m from New Zealand and I hate the fact that I can’t find Watties Tomato Sauce here in Moscow. Don’t you miss things from home?
Dear Sauceless in Moscow:
First of all, you’d be Sauceless in Seattle (if you lived there) as well. Watties is quite particular to NZ, as far as I can tell.
I’ve been an ex-pat for over ten years now and what I’ve done is hobble together an acceptable existence taking the best from every county I’ve lived in.
You, like every other expatriate, need to learn how to do the same thing.
I buy my contact lenses in Singapore. I get my hair cut in Paris. I keep my money in London. I get my Restylane injections in New York City. I have my facials in Sydney. I stock up on Watties in New Zealand.
And in Moscow I get my vodka, cigarettes and furs.
What’s the problem?
Do you think we’re going to have another outbreak of Swine Flu this year?
Fondly I remember the days last winter when all our temperatures were taken by scary military nurses when we landed at Sheremetyevo...NOT!
I think about 15,000 people worldwide died of Swine Flu last year (all of them the elderly or poverty-stricken). 30,000 Russians died from vodka in the same period.
Thank God the nurses didn’t breathalyse us all when our planes landed - that’s all I can say.