Dare to Ask Dare
Ex-pats and Russians alike ask celebrity columnist Deidre Dare questions about life in Moscow.
Photo by Maria Savelieva
This really isn’t the kind of question people normally send you, but I have a problem no one else seems to be able to help me with, so I thought I would try and see if you, a Western girl, has an answer. Like most Russians, I smoke a lot. I have ugly stains on my fingers from this. I have read that you are a big smoker. Do you have this problem? If so, do you know of a solution to it? I have checked the web and can’t find any help!
Dear Digitally Jaundiced:
Relax. I do indeed have a solution for you.
Twice a month, I soak my hands in pure bleach for 5 minutes. This works like a charm at completely getting rid of those 40 cigarettes-a-day stains.
Recently, however, someone pointed out to me that soaking in bleach might be hazardous to one’s health.
Yes, well: when I quit smoking, I’ll worry about the bleach.
I am a Russian man and I cannot bear to see beautiful Russian woman with ugly ex-pat men. What do these men have that makes these women love them?
Dear Boris? Misha? Sergei? Dimitry?:
Back in Columbus, Ohio, or Birmingham, these guys would be the ugly, poor, fat losers they were meant to be.
However, in some ex-pat locations, like Russia or Asia, they get to be ugly, poor, fat losers with a Western passport.
And that makes all the difference.
My 70 year-old mother read your column the other day and I was mortified! I’m thinking of not bringing it into our house and only reading it at Cafe Mania. What do you think of that?
Dear Latte Lover:
Only this: we treat old people the same way we treat children under 13. There’s just something off about that, don’t you think? Especially since everything we do, they did about 50 years before we even knew such activities existed.
I am a black South African and I want to move to Russia for the girls, the parties and the wild lifestyle. Any advice?
How can I adopt one of the many homeless dogs in Moscow?
Dear Person Who Should Go Back to Wherever They Came From:
I had a friend who took in a cute shivering puppy she found one winter on Ulitsa Povarskaya. About two days later my friend lost a toe, had to begin a painful series of rabies shots and have the puppy put down.
And the worst part of the whole drama was that because of the shots, she couldn’t drink alcohol for six whole months!
My advice is to wait for the next cull — when there are fewer dogs wandering the streets, your desire for the companionship of man’s best friend will decrease significantly. If this answer hasn’t done so already.
My mate’s girlfriend, Anya, was seduced by his Western friend, Denise. Now, everyone is upset. What can I do to repair the situation?
Dear Sticky Beak:
Not much, as I think I once successfully seduced this particular Anya as well.
I am seeing a married man and I want him to divorce his wife and marry me. I’ve read that many men have divorced their wives to marry you. How did you get them to do it?
Dear Measly Mistress:
I asked them not to.
Picture a “wife.” I see a pudgy, nagging woman.
Picture a “mistress.” I see a young, slim woman in a flash apartment.
ALWAYS be the mistress.
I wish none of them had ever had ever left their wives.
I never got pudgy or nagging: but the men did.