Dare to ask Dare
Expats and Russians alike ask celebrity columnist Deidre Dare questions about life in Moscow
I am an Aussie guy and I am having a difficult time finding a relationship here in Moscow. I just can’t seem to meet anyone. Any words of advice?
Dear Lonely Aussie:
Are you fat? Ugly? Covered in pox? Do you just have a bad personality? Or are you a raving alcoholic?
Wait! I forgot. We’re in Moscow, so none of that should be a hindrance to you at all! Now that I think about it, I know many fat, ugly, pox-marked alcoholic expats with bad personalities here who date some of the most beautiful, intelligent women on the planet.
My guess is that you have a condition called agoraphobia (a fear of public places) and remain shut up in your flat 24/7.
My advice is simple: conquer your fear and go outside and buy a pack of fags or something. Between the desperate single expat women who live and work here and the desperate single Russian women who’d rather not, you’ll find a nice girl before you receive your change.
If all else fails, I’ll date you. Experience has taught me that Antipodeans are some of best-hung men around. And what with the miserable weather we’ve been having, I wouldn’t mind in the least staying inside your flat all the time.
My only fear is that I know I’d make you run out for fags and then you’d meet someone else before you got back!
How come there are no decent Mexican restaurants in Moscow?
Dear Misses Guacamole,
Because there are no Mexicans in Moscow is the rather obvious answer.
The bigger question is: why are there no decent restaurants at all in Moscow?
Thank God you didn’t ask me that one.
My advice? Buy a cook book and some avocados.
How come Gypsy cabs are so dirty in the winter? Whenever I get out of one, I’m covered in grime these days.
Dear Dirty One:
You’re kidding, right?
First of all, I haven’t noticed any clean Gypsy cabs in summer. I have a lovely white linen coat I used to wear during the warmer months when I lived in Sydney. I wore it exactly once here - during the month of May. Between the time I got a cab on Novinksy and the time I arrived at Pushkin Cafe, it was black in most places.
Second of all, haven’t you noticed the dirty snow and ice on the ground? I suppose that would compound the general problem. Wouldn’t you?
Third of all, as far as I can tell, there is no plethora of drive-through car washes in Moscow as there is in other places. Notably Los Angeles. I never saw more places to clean one’s car than during my brief stint there. I’ve decided you must hail from LA or else you wouldn’t ask such an absurd question.
I advise you never to wear white and to open up a car wash on Tverskaya. You’ll make a fortune. Or not.
Either way: stop whinging. You’re not in California anymore. Deal with it.
I am a British guy. All the expat girls I know can’t get dates in Moscow though I see lots of Russian girls and so have lots of dates. I’m wondering: what’s your secret? Every Western woman I know is so jealous of you!
Dear Befriender of the Unpopular:
You must know some real loser-types. Of which there are many here, so I don’t blame you for that.
Every expat girl I know gets a lot of action. Thin, shapely, chic Western women get the expat men who are sick and tired of Russian girls. This happens to Western guys, pretty much without fail, after about a year and a half in Moscow. Unless, of course, they’ve gone and married a Russkie gal by that point. If they’ve done that, then it takes some years for some of them to come back to us.
Tell your friends to go to the gym, lose five kilos and put some make-up on. You could also tell them to wait for you. I reckon (from the sound of your letter) you’ve got another six months left before these losers start to look very appealing to you.
I am a Russian girl married to an Italian. Here’s my question: have you slept with my husband?
As you remain anonymous, it’s impossible for me to answer you for certain. Still, knowing myself as well as I do, I have to say: probably.